From 2007-06-25

A month or so back during my nephew’s graduation party, some of the talk got around to reminiscing when he was just a baby, and how fast he has grown. Typical conversation when you realize just how short life is and how fast life can pass you by. Personally there are days when I still feel like I’m Seventeen Again..thank you Annie Lenox.

But then the conversation rolled around to another one of my infamous gift giving blunders.

My niece and nephew never ask for much, but whenever a birthday, or holiday came around, they would give out the same list to everyone. Which was kind of annoying as I like to give them what they want, but not so they end up with duplicate gifts. So one Christmas I made sure that Kevin gave me a list he hadn’t given anyone else. It was in my sisters handwriting and because I had given him a cd player earlier, what better way to build your collection without having to mail back your selections monthly ever if its only for a penny?

My eyes quickly scanned the list, and I immediately blew off the clothing. I don’t give practical gifts. Hate getting them, won’t give them. That’s the difference between Want Shopping and Need Shopping. Want is so much better. For example, I want a new cellphone, but I don’t need it. I do need my water not to be contaminated. I’ll hold off on the phone.

I also love to shop. If I thought I could be a personal shopper I would. Its beyond retail therapy. Its the hunt and finding the perfect gift. To me that is all part of the gift, the effort given to shop, down to the presentation and card. Well, that and 12lbs of wrapping paper and sealing every seam with tape. Yes, I did have stock in 3M thank you. The giftee must work for the prize.

So shopping list in hand I hit the stores. All the cd’s he wanted were really not in stock or I didn’t feel appropriate. So finally I settled on a name on his list that I had never heard of, “Red Umbrose.”

I searched high and low. I asked people in the stores, only to be met with blank stares. I knew this had to be the perfect gift, because this group’s music was so hard to come by. I searched in vain. Finally after several weeks of searching every venue I could think of, and asking every store owner and stranger out there, I chose another one of his selections and glumly headed to the house Christmas afternoon.

The family was gathered admiring all the loot, and I walked in bags in hand to be Pamta Claus. When I got to Kevin I simply handed him his gifts, and waited for the right moment. The family took turns,opening their gifts to oohs and ahs, and Kevin opened his gift and smiled and thanked me.

At that point I had to tell him about my search, and how sorry I was that I couldn’t find this group The Red Umbrose and what exactly do they sing, because everyone I asked had no clue.

The room was silent for about three seconds before everyone started laughing.

What, I wanted to know was so damn funny?

“They’re soccer shorts Aunt Pam, I needed them for school.”

Oh.

I took the well deserved ribbing as I deserved it. Ask no questions, look like a fool.

But the story doesn’t end there.

His birthday is in February. In that time, I decided to burn him a cd of some of his favorite songs over the years. The only difference was, I designed the cover, quite well I may add, of the hit group performing all the cover songs. That’s right. When he opened his cd for his birthday he finally had the one and only copy by The Red Umbrose. Ya gotta admit, its a great name for a band. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!! THE RED UMBROSE!!! and the crowd goes wild.

But in my defense a single woman without kids would have no reason to know a name brand of soccer shorts or any kind of sport gear for that matter. Which got me into trouble one more time.

Generally after the 4th of July, our office switches to summer hours, so our office closes on Fridays around 1:00. My married girlfriends use this as free time in their day for themselves, when hubby and kids think they are still at work.

Last year, my girlfriend Janet who works with me, and her sister Paula, got in the habit of meeting for lunch at the Winner’s Circle and knocking a few martini’s back and maybe an appetizer or two.

What’s nice about the place is there is outside dining, and it isn’t crowded during that time period.

We had settled into our table and I noticed there were some new drinks on the menu, involving lots of pineapple juice, vodka and something else concocted to make this awesome pineapple martini. It sounded refreshing so we all ordered them. And drank them. Quickly. On an empty stomach. The first thing to go on Paula is her legs. Janet and I get the giggles. Our waitress, who was a tiny little thing, no bigger than a minute..you know the type, young blonde, skin still firm, can wear clothes the same size as a Barbie doll? Nice girl though, not her fault we’ve grown into our baby fat..whew…finally.

Anyway, she came back to our table to get our food order and noticed the empty glasses. Sure, we’ll have another round! She took our drink orders, because lord knows I never drink the same thing twice, and our food order. I was across the table from the sisters and as our waitress walked away, I heard Paula say under her breath, “Filthy Whore.”

What? I was dumbstruck, I mean yeah she’s a tiny little thing, so I called her out on that. Loudly. Damn martinis.

“Paula what the hell did our waitress do to you?’ Oh my god.

“What are you talking about ?’

“Why did you call our waitress a filthy whore?”

” I didn’t”, she replied, ” I said “Sophie’s Shorts”

Well, with that we were just about crying with laughter. Once again, my mind worked overtime in my analyses. I thought this was one of the girls her husband had cheated with, and wow what chance that she would be our waitress or that she knew her name.

We just about peed ourselves.

When you have friendships that last long periods of time, you develop your own language and inside jokes. So to utter..Filthy Whore out loud still bring chuckles the way Two Buckets for Trout will.

So last week, it was said in passing, as I told my girlfriends I was sharing these moments with the online world.

Filthy whore, Sofie’s shorts.

But I said to Janet, “Ya know, I still don’t know what was wrong with her pants.”

‘What?”

‘Sophie’s shorts. What was wrong with them?”

I should have stopped there.
“Not Sophie, Soffe Shorts..for soccer.”
Jesus with the soccer shorts already, we both lost it again.