Its been a while since I have sat in a therapist office, and I wasn’t all that surprised on our initial visit, that it lasted 2 hours. What is surprising that in two hours, we barely scratched the surface.

When you date someone, you have the leisure of time to figure out if the other person will meet your emotional needs beside the mere physical attraction. Time is on your side and you can control the outcome, whether to continue getting involved or deciding that you aren’t a good pair and you move on to another person.

But if you’re in a crisis either through your own doing or another, you don’t feel as if you have the leisure of time. You want their pain to go away and yours.

I have always felt that therapy was an answer to resolving conflict in our past. The human being as a race, is always looking to a higher power; judge, jury, minister, parent, anyone that will listen and agree with them..the 3 year old who screams “I’m telling!” and mommy is there to fix it.

But when Mommy is the base issue of your emotional wreck that you carry around, because at the end of the day there is no greater betrayal than the person who gave you life , is the same person who fucked your life up. You get two choices at this point, recognize that this person had the biological function to create a life, but not the skills to be a mother, or sadly the other is to suffer in pain and sadness and not have the ability to get over the pain and trauma even if a confrontation is possible.

I fall into the first answer, my husband the second.

Tonight was day one of poking the pain and lifting the edge of the bandage to see just how bad that wound is. This isn’t going to be one of those quick, close your eyes, count to three and rip it off, spray a little antibiotic and let it air dry. I’m not even sure that soaking it in water to gently peel it off will help. I do know that come what may, the wound does have to be addressed once and for all, analyzed and figure out a prognosis.

Its a double edge sword, he would have the ability to confront his mother and get all his hurt and anger on the table, and whether or not she wants to listen even now (which I doubt) but it would give him some closure. He has always warned me about his mother, he never wanted me to meet her, he feels that she could have the power to hurt me. Ironically having invited my brother in law here to the states, she is sniffing around to come over as well. As politely as I could, I told him there were too many unresolved issues between them and she was not welcome. He was a tad perplexed at this but I did not elaborate. However my guess is he may have relayed my answer to her, as after his answer that he didn’t know what I was on about, I declined to answer.

After sitting and listening and talking for two hours, I’m trying not to second guess myself that together we can get through this. I did end up snapping toward the end, I’m too pragmatic and realistic to know that stimulating neuroscensors under the ears just isn’t going to cut it, when his blind rage takes over and I’m the target of his wrath. My response to a smack or punch isn’t going to be to reach out and lightly tap below his ears, or hope he can find his safe happy place.

Logically I know that I’m not the cause of his pain, and I’m the one person he does trust to handle it. His instinct is to run and go back to England as I don’t deserve it, and he will just hermatize himself but that doesn’t solve his pain. He feels shame, embarrassed and he always asks forgiveness. I tell him what I use to tell my charges, “Don’t say you’re sorry, just don’t do it again. Repeating the same behavior, proves you aren’t sorry at all.”

I don’t know if wishing I was younger, would make me able to weather this oncoming storm easier, or being a weathered older woman who’s been through her own storm tested seas able to deal with this correctly. Life still has to go on, responsibility doesn’t go away, I’m just hoping our week off will give us some time to reconnect and realize I’m in this with him, but its going to be a deluge of emotions and I don’t want him to give up, but I’m also not going to be the whipping post anymore as well. Its like I told her tonight..I fight back, I know how to drop him to the ground but I also don’t want to be in a volatile relationship. She suggested a few books, thank god I have my Kindle, seems like he and I have some reading to do as well.